A Narrow Escape

A Cautionary Tale for those with the Strongest Stomachs. This harrowing event is retold by Madam S.M.A. and stands as a cautionary tale for women in the more distant forests of the region. Arm ye with flintlock and practice your aim. 

Twas't dark and quiet in the forest except f'r the creaking of the water pump at which hour suddenly the Lady hath heard soft sounds on  the far side of the shack. 

The Lady shoulds't have drawn that Pistol.  
 
Out of the darkness did step a Sir the colour of the shadows themselves, tall and big, and was dressed only in feathers and bones.  He cameth close to that Lady, stoodeth and did sniff the air.  Didst sniff that Lady!  Whilst declaring the lady smell'd like slave. Slave?   

The curl sniffs again. Stop doing that, her didst exclaim whilst taking a step back. The creature didst crowd that Lady closely and growled, "Thou art fierce. Me respects fierce. Me hunting."

Capture!

The Lady swallows, declaring "there art pigs in the forest. Prithee don't hunt mine own cows. They art due to born their calves." The Lady stops, lest he likes to consume baby calf.  "Well thither art wild boars in the forest."

"Me not hunting boar 'r cattle,"  and he sniffs the air again.
 
The curl remains sniffing, the Lady apace loads barrels of water onto a cart and doth take up the handles hoping to leave. 

"You move not," he barks. "Maybe you servant of the white-skins! Me hunt white-skins. Me feasts on white-skins"

"Well goodbye.. t'was.. ni.. t'wast... " stammering she pushes her cart away as fast as she can.

But blocking her path he shouts. "You go nowhere!"  

 

Preparation

 

"Ohhh .. find someone else and sniff at them..... Prithee, let me take this water to the farm." Wondering if she can get her pistol out without getting a knife in her gizzards.

He stops her. "Me nay fool...with the white-skins be ye...so now mine own prey also!"  The beast grabs her suddenly, and starts to tie her up.

"Noooo what art thee doing? Thee cannot,  I am not prey." The Lady struggles and shouts out for holp as he tightly ties her wrists and feet.  "Stop, stop it.. let me go right now." Nay holp cameth.

Oh had she only drawn her pistol and did shoot him at the start!  Fearing for her life, he do slung her on a long pole, like meat, and does hoisted it o'er his shoulder.

At the farm he cut her clothing off while she struggl'd and did shout.  All except her boots. Once naked, that gent did declare h'r "skinny" and tortures h'r with threats of putting a tomato wh're nay tomato shouldst beest.  Thankfully tiring of this game, the beast tosses h'r into a big pot of water.
 
The lady clamb'rs straight out again.  But hath be caught, the Lady is tied and did be tossed right back in. And all the while the lady did talk and bargain'd and did talk some more.
 
"Eat mine own cows! but just one as those cows all has't babies in their bellies," and  "I shall giveth thee a turkey, those gents art much fatt'r than I.  Or two turkeys f'r this big pot. And some beef roasts if 't be true thee wanteth, just Let Me Go!'

The Pot

Ign'ring h'r, the curl squats to rub at some sticks.  She splashes water onto the wood.  Twice. He growls.  "Making me angry! And if you continue me shall impale like pig."
 
She bristles, "I am not a pig!" Sputt'ring, "I maketh thee sick?  Thou art going to killeth me and consume me and thee hast no more brains than stone! And I maketh thee sick?  Thou hast made ME angry now. Let me go, ye duck-knee'd dung munchin' crap sack."

The wretched creature mutt'rs "Mmmmppp, Me make mistake not violate you before. Aghhhh, loud'r than the oth'r whiteskins be ye!"

"Rap'd and consumed oth'r people?  People?'  the Lady is th'roughly fell by now.  "Ye h'rrible pig-faced butt-scratchin' scurvy baboon. If thou eats this Lady you will get such a pain in the belly you will wish you were dead!" and the Lady splashes soupy wat'r ov'r so that veggies dribble down his skin.
 
He taps his chest declaring,  'Me cannibal, Me consume white-skins. Me want girlmeat. Shame there be no pirate 'r explorer nearby. Hard to find those folk lately. Wish me could find them with ease!"

She shudd'rs, "I hath heard of people liketh thee but bethought them all to be dead! Thou shouldst switch to turkey 'r pig"

The Apple

 

"You need no talk," and shoves an apple between h'r teeth! He stirs the pot and tastes, sipping the soupy wat'r.  She should have peed in it... that'd season it for him!

Standing back he stares at her for a long time.  The water starts to warm uncomfortably. 

"You be good farmer.  If you give me information and herbs to cook with I let you out. You tell me about everyone live this land, especially the girls.  You a farmer... you give veggies and herbs to all the white-skins, you learn about them." Pulling the apple from her mouth he tosses it into the water at her breasts.    
 
She is ready to concur to almost aught at that point. "Alright."

"Me  come every week ... if you play task well... not only you live... you win shiny rock that pirates love."

"I concur, I concur,"  holding up her wet hands dripping with veggies, "Untie me!'  

He pulls her ov'r the hot rim of the pot, releases the bindings at wrist and ankle then with a final warning not to ope her mouth and speak about him or the agreement they made. He disappears into the darkness of the forest and is gone, leaving her with soggy boots and vegies sticking to her skin. "Ugh fie fie."

Final note: The cannibal never did return, the Lady never did name the young Lasses o' the region, and she never did receive the 'shiny rock'.